oooooh look at me! I’m on my way to Italy!!! If I don’t die on this flight, I’ll have a relaxing holiday :)
I have been feeling pretty pissed off the last couple of days because I have a very bad tooth/facial muscle infection. Boo. This means I can’t drink AT ALL at the Summer Party I have spent so much time and effort organising, nor at my leaving drinks on Monday :(
However, I got a message earlier which perked me up a bit:
"You should smile a little, because I have never before seen someone who could still look beautiful when they have a tooth infection…"
We know your view of the Abrahamic faiths, but I’m curious to know if it extends to the other religions of the world, such as religious Buddhism, Hinduism, Bahá’í, persisting indigenous faiths, the various branches of modern paganism, etc.?
I’m opposed to any organized belief system with…
This this this!
Sort of subtly punched the air, but managed to miss the air and punch a glass instead.
—Invited the boy over to mine tonight for some cuddling, subsequently heard lots of crashing…I’m gonna take this as a good thing :)
So I saw him this morning freshly shaved and wearing a tight, blue shirt hugging his biceps and I went all..
I saw this a while back and fell in love with it. I also felt it so keenly I was tempted to plaster it all over my face, but common sense (& the need to see in front of me) prevailed- so I didn’t.
I also didn’t get what I wanted. But that’s OK, because I think I got what I needed.
I’m sure there’s a song in there somewhere… ;)
So, this is me right now.
I’ve done it, I’ve fucking done it. I’ve gotten a new job! I’m leaving behind my company and joining a new, exciting one! It’s quite a bit different, with more writing involved and less management. I’ll be creating a journal, a hard-copy journal I can hold in my hand and own something I can be proud of! I’ve got a salary larger than my age too! FUCK YEAH! Finally my contribution to a company will be acknowledged with a decent wage.
I feel good, this is the right time for me and I’ve proven that I still can do it. Even though I’ve been holding on for dear life, I still have the strength to swing myself up onto the ledge and save myself. Because I sure as fuck don’t need anyone else to do it for me. So, in one month’s time I’ll be in Italy sunning myself for a week, and then back to a brand-new job!
Interestingly, my self-worth has improved with my new appointment, and I feel like I am a person of substance- professionally, at least.
Next thing on the list is a permanent place to live!
"So, here was the response to my little moan the other day, wise words be following:
That’s perfectly normal. I think it’s only starting to really hit you now, you’ve had a lot of things on your mind distracting you and now that you’ve slowed down a bit you should expect a lot of the sadness and anger to creep out. Unfortunately it’s something you will need to deal with at some point in time.
I maintain that no contact is the best policy, particularly because I am someone who breaks that quite regularly and then I have to deal with guilt, self humiliation and a horrible feeling of “he’s got all the power again” on top of the usual despair and anger. It’s not a great combination, I can promise you that.
There’s nothing he can say that will make it better I’m afraid, no justification is good enough to make up for how incredibly selfish, unconsidered and hurtful he was. I don’t expect that sort of treatment from someone I don’t know or like, let alone from your partner. Unless he says that he was infected with the rare bug that caused a temporary loss of judgement / turned him into a different person for the past few months I can’t see what he can possibly say or do to make it ok. Or even acceptable. Or even understandable.
I also don’t think there’s anything you can do or say to make him see that. He seems to have changed a lot over the past couple of years, and if before he was self centred but could be told to wake up, now he doesn’t seem to have the ability to pull his head out of his arse. It’s tempting to partially blame his useless cuntish mates for encouraging him to prioritize a band and friendships that frankly won’t last half a dozen years over the love of his life and what could have been the only happy ending that boy can even aspire to, but at the end of the day the harsh truth is that it was down to him, this was his choice. Don’t let him off and assume that he would be a good person if not for the bad influences, because bad influences will always be there. A good person, a decent human being, knows to keep these away from the things he treasures, and have no doubt about this: he should have protected you more. From his friends, from his doubts, from himself. Because you always did. You loved him and had the balls to do it unconditionally, He didn’t. He loved you, I’ve no doubt about it, but he was too much of a coward to know how to handle that. And that’s even worse than not loving someone, with love you don’t really get a choice, but you can choose to rise to the occasion.
Sod him. Honestly, he’s the biggest piece of shit I can think of and I still can’t look at anyone with his name without wanting to punch them in the face.
Don’t contact him, he doesn’t deserve to even see your name popping up on his screen. When you hurt someone like that you lose the privilege to even staying friends, or having any sort of contact. He doesn’t deserve to know you’re well and thriving, he doesn’t deserve to know you anymore.
But if you do contact him please, PLEASE, do not beat yourself up for it. You’ve done remarkably well so far, and you’re only human. Despite knowing all of this, you still haven’t fully realised that this is true and that’s perfectly normal. The hardest thing you’ll have to do is conciliate the man you knew with the man you know now. I wish I could help you doing that, but it’s something you will only get with time. Small realisations will eventually build up to a full puzzle and you will one day wake up and shout “what a fucking wanker. Waste of my time”. “