Tell me the lies I want to hear
Trickle sweet nothings into my ear
Blindfold my eyes, talk of the skies
And stars that twinkle so near
n. the desire to be struck by disaster—to survive a plane crash, to lose everything in a fire, to plunge over a waterfall—which would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life, and forge it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and the other.
I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I know something. I know something that is going to hurt someone, and I know that I’m the person who’s going to have to tell them that something that is going to hurt. I know that I’ve been lying to myself, pretending that I’m over it. But I’m not over it, and because of that I cant see anything else, I don’t even want to. I’ve tried, so much and for so long. But, I can’t deny it and now, now once again I’m the one doing the hurting. I just have no idea how to do it, it’s been so long.
Denial is my favourite coping mechanism.
Last night, as I was laying in bed and gazing at the new boy, he said something to me. Propping himself up on his side, he looked at me hard, squinting slightly and then said: “You’ve had some really sad times, haven’t you?” I was smiling at the time so his statement kind of caught me off guard, and tugged at me inside too, I felt like he’d been looking at me when I wasn’t fully shielded and I felt affronted. “What makes you say that?” I replied, putting on a bit of bravado.
"I can see it in your eyes, sometimes they look really sad, just below the surface"
"This was potentially the most inappropriate email I’ve ever received on my work email."— Clara
Well you did ask me how last night went!? :)
Last night a song was sent to me…from a boy. We met for a couple of drinks on Wednesday and had a great chat (and a few glasses of wine). I got a bit tipsy and found myself being a bit more open than usual. I very briefly touched on my last relationship and how it had left me feeling pretty broken. I didn’t make a big deal about it and quickly changed the subject onto more fun topics, but he must have seen straight through me. Last night the following song was sent to me- it’s probably one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever had sent to me and the lyrics are just….. WOW! He couldn’t have gotten it more spot on if he’d sat with me the last 18 months and listened to me cry, rage, vent, cry, rage, cry, weep, deny, accept, deny again….. This song feels like the best hug you could ever receive, with stroking hands soothing away pain. Anyway, here is the song, and the accompanying message. I’ve listened to it about 50 times already.
I had that song in my head because I was thinking about Wednesday night; some of the things you said and others that I just sensed.
Plus, it’s just a beautiful song and you’re a beautiful person :)
You are a salmon amongst sardines.